Sunday, July 22, 2012

Steven Wright One-Liners

1. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before.

2. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my shadow.

3. I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right in front of me
-- and I didn't hear it.

4. He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not right now."

5. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into
another dimension.

6. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.  No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

7. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going to move to New

8. I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

9. I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

10. I'm so hyper...  (Said with a very dull voice.)

11. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

12. Four years ago...  No, it was yesterday. Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...  No, I don't.

13. Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

14. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

15. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for
a satellite picture.

16. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

17. Sorry, my mind was wandering.  One time my mind went all the way to Venus on
mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

18. I have a map of the United States...  Actual size.  It says, "Scale:  1 mile =
1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the
world.  I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

19. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

20. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

21. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

22. You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

23. I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.

24. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

25. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

26. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

27. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

28. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

29. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
Pail...  Kitten On Fire.

30. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by
children.  They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

31. Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food.  My
argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.  Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

32. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  The movie cost me $95.

33. I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00, children $2.50.  So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

34. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

35. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.

36. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

37. I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

38. Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington.  One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I
swim without getting wet?"  Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy
and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

39. I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The clerk said,

40. I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

41. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."

42. I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

43. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.

44. I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and
said, "Can I help you?"  And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?"  He
said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?"  I said, "You started

45. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

46. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.

47. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.

48. Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.
She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

49. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...  I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax,
and now my room is all shiny.

50. Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...

51. I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I laid down in
front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

52. My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

53. I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

54. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

55. I invented the cordless extension cord.

56. Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever I get lonely I
open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time I dropped the box all over
the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I
bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an
irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.

57. I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...
My calendar has no sevens on it."

58. I  plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."

59. Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said, "Hello?"  And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They said, "Uh...  I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."

60. I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!

61. Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the
wall...  Pressed redial.  The phone had a nervous breakdown.

62. I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I'm not home and somebody
calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages
before the beep.

63. I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this...

64. I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

65. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

66. I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is  playing so I bought the

67. I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.

68. What's another word for Thesaurus?

69. Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song? The guy who
wrote that song wrote everything.

70. My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in 1912...  Well,
to make a long story short ...

71. I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill
in the rest.

72. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

73. I wrote a few children's books...  Not on purpose.

74. I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a
book mark and flew across the room.

75. I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live above me are

76. All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...  With a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money
in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

77. While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom.  They
put it in *exactly* the same  place it was.  When I told my roommate, he said:
"Do I know you?"

78. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman
in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."

79. Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...  It feels real."

80. In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...  So I never
have to go upstairs.

81. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

82. All the  plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing
them by watering them with ice cubes.

83. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

84. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write right on the bill,
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

85. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.

86. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.

87. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it around for a while.  I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived.  I said, "right
here, officer".  Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

88. My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Friday, July 13, 2012

101 George Carlin quotes

  1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
  2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
  4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
  6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
  8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
  9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
  10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
  13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
  14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
  15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
  17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
  18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
  19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
  20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
  21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
  22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
  23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
  24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
  25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
  26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
  27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
  28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
  29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
  30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
  31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
  32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
  33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
  35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
  37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
  38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
  39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
  40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
  41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
  42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
  43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
  44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
  45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
  46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
  47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
  48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
  49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
  50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
  51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
  52. What year did Jesus think it was?
  53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
  54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
  55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
  56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
  57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
  58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
  59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
  60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
  61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
  62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
  63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
  64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
  65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
  66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
  67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
  68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
  69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
  70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
  71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
  73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
  74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
  75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
  76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
  77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
  79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
  80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
  81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  82. “No comment” is a comment.
  83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
  84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
  85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
  86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
  87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
  88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
  89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
  90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
  91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
  92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
  93. Hooray for most things!
  94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
  95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
  96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  98. Life is a zero sum game.
  99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
  100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
  101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.